Tuesday 19th of July 2005
Diving into the unknown
It has been a while since I actually tried to post something without already having in mind what to write about. Today I have decided it will be one such day.
Impromptu writing has never been my forte. When presented wich such a challenge, I generally sit and look at the white blankness of the paper for most of the allotted time I´ve been given for the task, and when there´s about 20 minutes left, for some reason, a spark lits up the fire, and I start writing frenetically, generally it just flows out, no need to even stop to behold what´s been written down, the last sentence paving the way for the next. But there´s a problem. I´m always out of time, so I just keep on writing as fast as I can, in a feeble attempt at actually finishing. It usually doesn´t work out, and I end up having to stich in some forced ending to actually finish it on time, and I turn into the hollywood of story writing, not a bad premise, but such a shitty execution and ending.
Maybe it´s a sign. And I´m not saying things shouldn´t be impromptu, I mean, what fun would there be about planning your whole life in advance? -I´m referring to the “not enough time” issue. Who says there isn´t? -lately I´ve been starting to give more credit to the belief that things should just be allowed to happen, unchecked and without constrains; the whole “if it´s meant to be, it´ll happen” ordeal. My line of thinking has generally been along the lines of “If it’s not meant to happen, I’ll make it meant to happen” -and, while it has worked in the past, I´ve come to the realization that it all seems like my forced endings. So brute. Shitty even.
I think the trick lies in not giving it a specific amount of time. Not giving it a set of expections. Not actually plotting a goal as your final target. Have a guideline, but just let it be. Feel. It´s probably just psychological, but the fact that i´m not jailed in by time or margins, allows me to freely reach the top of the plateau in more leasurely way. And since there are no worries about getting there quickly, no set boundaries, no haste whatsoever, you end up not locking yourself to a single idea. You look around. And it seems along the way you always end up finding a higher plateau than the one you originally set for, or thought existed.
This of course is not at all practical with some aspects of one´s life. But I think it´s doable with your personal and emotional life, to a big extent at least. It seems I´ve come to cherish more the situations that I didn´t actively try to make anything out of. The times that I didn´t force my ideals, or my expections, allowed those moments to reach levels that I couldn´t think of at the time, making them all that much better. And comfortable.
See, this is the magical thing about not setting a path to follow. You end up somewhere where you never thought you would. You can´t do that when you say “I want to go here“. We humans fight and wage wars over pretty much anything, mostly in the name of freedom, but we don´t free ourselves. We constantly emprison our minds with all this expectation crap. We´re so worried about getting there, faster, quicker; you don´t have time to enjoy the ride. There is all the time in the world.
This is all possibly a bit contradictory of me to say, I am, after all, scared of the passing time. Why would I go around wasting it? -simple, actually. Quality versus quantity.
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